Cola addiction

Today I did not drink a can of cola.  While for many people this may not be a big deal, so me it's huge!  I have struggled with an addiction to this carbonated menace ever since I can remember.  Now that I think about it, 20 years!  I have gone through periods of not drinking it, periods of moderation and periods of slamming back as much as I could get - walking around literally buzzing!

I know that if I were able to stop drinking cola, I would be able to lose a good portion of the weight I am carrying around.  This makes the cola a kind of symbol for me.  A symbol of everything that I do wrong when it comes to weight loss.  The fact that I so often say one thing and do another.  The fact that I often feel powerless over the urge to binge.  The fact that I can't seem to get my ducks in a row.  No matter how much I think I want to, change is hard to come by.

A further difficulty with the cola consumption is that it cola, and the multinational companies that create it, stand for so much that I abhore.  In other words, drinking cola is a direct violation of my values.  And this is the place that I have the most trouble, I feel bad about myself, feel angry with myself, and feel, well, like having a cola.  The cola, with the combined sugar and caffeine buzz, helps me to numb out, avoid my feelings and ignore the fact that my life as it is today isn't what I want.  And because I don't go through acknowledging that part of my story, I am also losing out on the part that says, "Ok, so you have a bad habit, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.  Lighten up on the shame game and then get serious about making the changes you want."  I think that drinking the cola and feeling bad about myself gives me the opportunity to wallow in self pity, feel helpless and hopeless, and therefore have an excuse not to do the hard work I need to do. 

And that hard work?

Not only is it about changing my lifestyle choices to lose weight, but also about acknowledging the mucky murky sticky feelings that I don't want to look at, even though they're like the monster in the closet and so much less scary when I open the door and actually look at them.