Not going well

Well, it's been a crappy week.  Definitely every weight loss committment that I made last week went out the window as life threw me a lot of curve balls.  Lost purse, car accident, sick baby, teething baby, getting sick myself, too much time at work - just too much.

I'm irritated with myself.  I'm just now beginning to recognize that my journey towards a healthier lifestyle has been far too often blocked with, "I'll start when..."  And whether that's, when I finish school, when the baby's born, when the baby's one, when I feel better, when I'm not so stressed, too much of my time has been spent eating and waiting and eating and procrastinating.

So while I want to be compassionate with myself about an extraordinarily difficult week, I also need to recognize that here and now is the only time I have to lose weight.  Here and now. 

Cola addiction

Today I did not drink a can of cola.  While for many people this may not be a big deal, so me it's huge!  I have struggled with an addiction to this carbonated menace ever since I can remember.  Now that I think about it, 20 years!  I have gone through periods of not drinking it, periods of moderation and periods of slamming back as much as I could get - walking around literally buzzing!

I know that if I were able to stop drinking cola, I would be able to lose a good portion of the weight I am carrying around.  This makes the cola a kind of symbol for me.  A symbol of everything that I do wrong when it comes to weight loss.  The fact that I so often say one thing and do another.  The fact that I often feel powerless over the urge to binge.  The fact that I can't seem to get my ducks in a row.  No matter how much I think I want to, change is hard to come by.

A further difficulty with the cola consumption is that it cola, and the multinational companies that create it, stand for so much that I abhore.  In other words, drinking cola is a direct violation of my values.  And this is the place that I have the most trouble, I feel bad about myself, feel angry with myself, and feel, well, like having a cola.  The cola, with the combined sugar and caffeine buzz, helps me to numb out, avoid my feelings and ignore the fact that my life as it is today isn't what I want.  And because I don't go through acknowledging that part of my story, I am also losing out on the part that says, "Ok, so you have a bad habit, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.  Lighten up on the shame game and then get serious about making the changes you want."  I think that drinking the cola and feeling bad about myself gives me the opportunity to wallow in self pity, feel helpless and hopeless, and therefore have an excuse not to do the hard work I need to do. 

And that hard work?

Not only is it about changing my lifestyle choices to lose weight, but also about acknowledging the mucky murky sticky feelings that I don't want to look at, even though they're like the monster in the closet and so much less scary when I open the door and actually look at them.

Getting Started

Ok, so I’m starting a wee bit late on the New Year’s Resolution.  Part of me worries that that means I’ve already blown it.  I won’t be able to start my project now.  It’s 10 days late.  Too bad, failed the class, move to the back, start next year!

Ha!

Another excuse.  Another reason to put off the changes that I need to make. 

So here is the modest proposal that I am starting the year with.  To get a handle on my weight and eating.  I currently weigh 170 lbs, give or take!  Shit.  I was that same weight a year ago.  And despite my countless decisions to do something about this problem, I have been stalled for years.  For years.  I can’t believe that.

What makes matters worse is that I’m a professional counsellor.  I encourage and support people in making changes in their lives every day.  And every day I see that it’s possible.  So if they can do it, why do I find it so hard? 

That’s what I’m setting out to find out.  I want to explore this from every angle and find a way to make it work for my life.

I know that I need different angles from the ones that I’ve seen so far because they haven’t worked.  I’ve lost the weight countless times, but it just comes back with a vengeance.  I’ve quit drinking coke and eating sugar, I’ve gone on low fat diets, and I’ve done a lot of exercise. 

The funny thing is, I didn’t hate any of these things.  In fact I enjoy eating healthy, and I love the great feeling physically that comes with it.  I enjoy exercising when I’m relatively fit, it feels good.  But somehow despite this, there’s a negative momentum that drags me back down when I’m doing well.

So I plan to dig into the research on weight loss, use my own counselling techniques on myself and design my own program of weight loss and personal transformation. 

Here are my commitments,

·         Every choice and option that I try must be compassionate.  I believe that compassion is what is so often missing from “diets.”

·         I will not make a change that I don’t believe that I can stick to for the rest of my life.

·         I will honour my personal limits but work to challenge myself and grow.

·         I will write at least four times a week about what I am doing and learning.

·         I will have a sense of humour and not take myself or my efforts too seriously.

And so it begins...